Knoxville Christmas Parade: The Top Five Most Unorthodox Floats

So, here we are: the final Christmas Parade post. I've had so much fun I hate to see it end. If you haven't read the last two posts, I suggest strongly that you drop two below this one and read them in order. If that is too much to ask, then the best way I can bring you up to date is to say that this is a list of the five most unorthodox - and quite possibly just old fashioned inappropriate - floats in a parade that managed to put the In in Inappropriate. So here goes:

Shoney's Float in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 5: The Shoney's Bear - This is actually my second Christmas encounter with the Shoney's Bear this season. The first was at the Fantasy of Trees where children could get their picture made with the Shoney's Bear. I'm not opposed to Shoney's in principal. Sometime in the last ten or fifteen years I may have eaten at one. Christmas however, it is not. No amount of hiding behind angels could salvage this pathetic display.

Elvis in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 4: Elvis. I love Elvis. He was my second musical hero (after Hank Williams and before the musical hero to end them all: Bob Dylan, but I digress). I loved his music. I thought he was cool and I still do. I even watched his movies. He does have a Christmas tie-in and that would be his Christmas recordings, but I didn't hear those at the parade. Elvis is cool, Elvis is King, Elvis is not appropriate for a Christmas parade.

Breast Cancer Float in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 3: Breast Cancer Float -  Let me be direct and honest: I do not approve of breast cancer. It is bad. I'm glad people raise money and awareness about it. Still, there are problems here. First, if we want floats for causes of death, then we need a heart disease float. It kills more people - both men and women - than cancer. As for the subset of women and cancer, breast cancer is not even the number one cancer killer - that would be lung cancer. Maybe we need a lung cancer float. Now, lest you think I'm misogynist, let me assure you I am not. I made my contribution to the cause earlier this fall. For now, I'm just saying a float devoted to any kind of cancer (think prostate - no don't!) just isn't the right pitch for a Christmas celebration.

Noah's Ark in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 2: Noah's Ark - Listen, it's hard enough on kids in the Christmas season. We tell them it is about Jesus and we pound home the Santa theme for two months. We tell them it is about giving and we pump them into a frenzy of greed by the time the big day arrives. Give the children a break! Please do not insert the ark into the Christmas story! And how disturbing is it that children are inserted into the boat in the place of the animals? What does that say? And please don't tell me that is a manger scene on the top.

How could that not be number one, you ask? What could possibly be more unbelievable in a Christmas Parade than an ark? I'm glad you asked.

Wraslin' in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 1: Wraslin' for Jesus/ Body Slammin' for Santa - I think Jesus might cry. I think Santa might rip off his fake beard and stomp off into the night in disgust. Is this what we've come to? Can there be anything more antithetical to a Holy Night? Do we need to go out of our way to remove any last doubt that we are the reddest of the redneck cities in the country? We're trying to build an urban image and we have this? Oh Knoxville, I weep for thee.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Christmas Parade: Knoxville Style, Part One: The Orhodox

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

I'm not sure if it was my mood or if perhaps I've turned in to a curmudgeon when I wasn't looking, but one thing that struck me about this year's parade was how much of its contents had nothing to do with Christmas.  Since I had far too many pictures for one blog post, anyway, I decided to divide them into orthodox and unorthodox portions of the parade. I don't mean orthodoxy in the strictly theological sense - I'm down with Santa, Rudolf, Elves and so on. I mean much of it had very little to do with either the religious or the cultural celebration.

Of course, the decisions are mine and they are arbitrary. Some of the entries were difficult to place in one category or the other. I realize that we've always had non-Christmas elements in our parades, I'm just not sure if I'm noticing it more or if it is getting to be more pervasive. Feel free to weigh in with your opinion.

Rutledge Band, Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

This is an example of how difficult such an exercise might be: What does a high school marching band have to do with Christmas? Nothing, of course. Still, I'm calling them orthodox because we need their music to add the festive to the festivities and because there is such a long-standing tradition of high school bands being in Christmas parades. I'm grandfathering them in.

Angel Float, Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

This is pure Christmas: Angels singing in the night. I give them bonus points because, I do believe they are all decked out in white snuggies. That makes these guys pretty smart angels in my book.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Horses in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Here we go again: Christmas story = No horses, Santa Mythology = No horses. So why do I call it orthodox? In the south we sort of think of ourselves as redneck east-of-the-Mississippi Cowboys. Most of us never sit on a horse or try to make a cow do anything, but still, that's what we think. Also, they were grandfathered in. We've just been doing it too long. Still, do you get the idea? I'm stretching to relate this to the holiday.

Christmas Float, Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

I'll take this because of the stars, but who are these guys? They look like FBI agents. Could Knoxville start labeling the floats so we know who these uncomfortable looking people are supposed to be? Could it be that hard? Maybe I'm dumber than the average parade watcher and everyone else knows all these people.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Here again, much benefit of the doubt. The guys were either playing or lip-syncing to a rock song which may have been religious, but there was no way to know with the poor audio. I'm guessing they are religious because of the sign.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

I'm calling this orthodox because the girls in white could be angels and this could be a snapshot of the Nutcracker, but really, what does ballet have to do with Santa or Jesus?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

These guys were among the cutest of the night. I loved the little cows. You have mangers, angels and cows who may or may not have been lowing: That's pretty dead on.

Elves in the Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Sleigh in the Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Snowman Float, Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

See, I'm being pretty open-minded. Neither Santa nor Jesus ever mentioned a snowman, but it's wintry and Christmas is in winter, so I'm good with that.

Donkey in Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

More open-mindedness here. There was, in fact, a donkey in the traditional Christmas story, so I'm giving this my orthodox blessing even though there is no pretend Mary aboard this donkey and I don't think the original was named "Minis." Still, he was pretty darn cute.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

As a generality, I don't see cars as an orthodox addition to a Christmas parade. In this specific case, I'm declaring it an orthodox version of a child's wind up toy and toys are definitely orthodox.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

This one was borderline. OK, you have Christmas trees and wreaths,but who are these people? They look like young teen aspiring models. What does that have to do with Christmas? Couldn't they have worn a Santa hat, at least?

Santa in the Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

So that ends the conventional portion. It was a very good and fun parade. I doubt many people left disappointed. If you've got Santa, what more is necessary? Still, much of what I saw left me scratching my head. I'll cover those parts in my next post. Ho Ho Ho.

Christmas in the City - Regal Festival of Lights?

Entrance to the Fantasy of Trees - Convention Center, Knoxville

I'm seeing both of the these titles thrown around for our seasonal celebration. I think the "Regal Festival of Lights" is just the lighting of the tree on Gay Street, etc., but I'm not sure. I like the less corporate "Christmas in the City," myself, though I realize it doesn't exactly acknowledge any but one religion. I guess in a public forum I think of it as more of a cultural holiday, but maybe I'm wrong. Besides, isn't "Festival of Lights" minus the "Regal" part already taken by the folks who brought us Hanukkah? It seems like a copyright infringement issue at the least.

The Ice Rink as a baby - A large pile of dirt on Market Square

One gift of living in the city, as opposed to visiting it, as I've done for decades is that in walking about one sees the stories behind the stories. Who knew that the ice skating rink required so many people so much time to set up - or that it started with a layer of dirt?

Greenery being hung on Gay Street, Knoxville

Who knew how they got that garland up around downtown so high over the entry-ways to the buildings on Gay Street? Downtown residents knew. It's been fun to see from that perspective this year. I had already moved last year, but I was probably emptying boxes in my new home while the decorations were being spread and hung about.

The Fantasy of Trees - too big to photograph, Convention Center, Knoxville

Friday of this week finally marked the official beginning of the celebration by any name. There was almost too much for a family to take in on that big day. The Fantasy of Trees in the convention center was flooded with people from the moment it opened and people continued to line up into the afternoon (and probably after, though I can't personally verify that fact).

Skaters of all skill levels take to the ice - Market Square, Knoxville

The ice skating rink officially opened on Market Square and was busy from morning into the night.

Lights at the entrance to Krutch Park with vendors lining Market Street

Crafts were available for purchase on Market Street and into the western edge of Krutch Park. Of course, all the stores downtown were open and buzzing with their own versions of Black Friday festivities.

Fireworks and a lighted, 38 foot tree, Krutch Park, Knoxville

The culmination of the day came with the lighting of the 38 foot Christmas Tree on Krutch Park. The lighting was accompanied by fireworks and the whole thing was set off by Mayor/Governor-elect Haslam, Santa Claus and a couple of stray reindeer. Mickey Mallonee was thanked by Mayor Haslam for all her years of planning various festivities for the city, including this one. She retires as the celebration ends. In a measure of her level of service and commitment, she went from that lofty moment of exaltation all the way down to manning the information booth on Saturday morning.

Grace Baptist Praise Choir, Krutch Park, Knoxville

The night ended with a concert from the Grace Baptist Praise Choir on the Krutch Park stage and the Ho Ho Ho Down hosted by WDVX on the Market Square stage with several thousand people ice skating, shopping, drinking hot chocolate, eating funnel cakes and generally trying to stay warm in between the two.

Urban Baby says, "I was a cowgirl for Halloween and I'm a mummy for Christmas, right?"

Even the Weather Maker decided it should feel like Christmas. Maybe he wasn't so mad, after all, about the misappropriation of his original Festival of Lights.