Knoxville Christmas Parade: The Top Five Most Unorthodox Floats

So, here we are: the final Christmas Parade post. I've had so much fun I hate to see it end. If you haven't read the last two posts, I suggest strongly that you drop two below this one and read them in order. If that is too much to ask, then the best way I can bring you up to date is to say that this is a list of the five most unorthodox - and quite possibly just old fashioned inappropriate - floats in a parade that managed to put the In in Inappropriate. So here goes:

Shoney's Float in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 5: The Shoney's Bear - This is actually my second Christmas encounter with the Shoney's Bear this season. The first was at the Fantasy of Trees where children could get their picture made with the Shoney's Bear. I'm not opposed to Shoney's in principal. Sometime in the last ten or fifteen years I may have eaten at one. Christmas however, it is not. No amount of hiding behind angels could salvage this pathetic display.

Elvis in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 4: Elvis. I love Elvis. He was my second musical hero (after Hank Williams and before the musical hero to end them all: Bob Dylan, but I digress). I loved his music. I thought he was cool and I still do. I even watched his movies. He does have a Christmas tie-in and that would be his Christmas recordings, but I didn't hear those at the parade. Elvis is cool, Elvis is King, Elvis is not appropriate for a Christmas parade.

Breast Cancer Float in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 3: Breast Cancer Float -  Let me be direct and honest: I do not approve of breast cancer. It is bad. I'm glad people raise money and awareness about it. Still, there are problems here. First, if we want floats for causes of death, then we need a heart disease float. It kills more people - both men and women - than cancer. As for the subset of women and cancer, breast cancer is not even the number one cancer killer - that would be lung cancer. Maybe we need a lung cancer float. Now, lest you think I'm misogynist, let me assure you I am not. I made my contribution to the cause earlier this fall. For now, I'm just saying a float devoted to any kind of cancer (think prostate - no don't!) just isn't the right pitch for a Christmas celebration.

Noah's Ark in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 2: Noah's Ark - Listen, it's hard enough on kids in the Christmas season. We tell them it is about Jesus and we pound home the Santa theme for two months. We tell them it is about giving and we pump them into a frenzy of greed by the time the big day arrives. Give the children a break! Please do not insert the ark into the Christmas story! And how disturbing is it that children are inserted into the boat in the place of the animals? What does that say? And please don't tell me that is a manger scene on the top.

How could that not be number one, you ask? What could possibly be more unbelievable in a Christmas Parade than an ark? I'm glad you asked.

Wraslin' in the Knoxville Christmas Parade

Number 1: Wraslin' for Jesus/ Body Slammin' for Santa - I think Jesus might cry. I think Santa might rip off his fake beard and stomp off into the night in disgust. Is this what we've come to? Can there be anything more antithetical to a Holy Night? Do we need to go out of our way to remove any last doubt that we are the reddest of the redneck cities in the country? We're trying to build an urban image and we have this? Oh Knoxville, I weep for thee.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Christmas Parade, Knoxville Style, Part Two: The Unorthodox

I suspect our Christmas parade is no different than many across the country in that much of what is included isn't really related to the holiday. In fact, if you stripped away all the extraneous matter, maybe there wouldn't be enough left to justify the event. Certainly Knoxville has a large, lengthy, colorful parade. Probably there are other cities that cannot imagine having one as magnificent.

Still, I think there are some questionable inclusions. Why, for example, do we need to hear Rocky Top during a Christmas parade? Of all the great Christmas songs we could hear, I heard that one at least twice. I know where I live, but can't we ever celebrate something other than the Big School on the Hill? I mean, a song about moonshine at a Christmas parade?

I'll count them down, with the understanding that I'm not attacking any of these fine groups, I'm just saying perhaps we should have a miscellaneous parade to include them all. Maybe, just maybe, the people who plan the parade should tighten the criteria just a little bit.

So here are my questionable entries:

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

Number 16: (yes, there are that many) Bizarre Confused Float - "But wait," you say, "I see a manger and angels, what could be more appropriate?" Well, you are right and that almost put them on the orthodox list, but when you look closer, you see the problems. I won't quibble about the sex of the angels. Even though every Biblical angel is male we, as a culture insist on having them be female. I don't have time to break that one down. My problem with this float is two-fold: First, what do the ten commandments have to do with anything? Give me a prophetic Isaiah or the Luke accounting and I'm good, but the ten commandments? Weren't they chiseled about two thousand years before the Christ child? And then there is the imp. At least I'm guessing that's what he is, lurking just beneath the angel holding the ten commandments (which no angel did as far as I can recall). This is just a mess.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Number 15: Guys in Pillbox Hats - Who are these guys? They seem to have Kerbellaesque hats on. Thy almost match each other. So they walk in the Christmas parade? Why? Come on guys, throw some candy or something. Which is another thing: No candy for the entire parade! What says Christmas parade more than candy?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Number 14: Cub Scouts on a float with a simulated camp scene. Cute, I get. Christmas, I do not.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, December 2010

Number 13: Boy Scouts on foot. Why?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

Number 12: Truck and Ornament - It's a truck with an inflatable Christmas ornament in the back. I get that these guys want to advertise their business (on the side of the truck) and I've got no problem with that, but this looks like something we'd be likely to see any day on Kingston Pike this time of year. Does it qualify for the Christmas parade?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

Number 11: Motorcycle guy with a Christmas hat. We'll call this the vehicle section. I'll confess, I like this picture (thanks to my friend Lisa for taking it), but it's a guy on a motorcycle. Yes, he's wearing a cute hat, but is that all it takes to qualify for the parade?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

Number 10: Snowman on a Big Orange Truck - More Big Orange, more vehicle. Yes, there is a snowman, but even the snowman was a little creepy.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

9. Dump truck with Christmas Lights - I've actually seen this before. Black Mountain, North Carolina has a very, very small parade and every possible vehicle in the area from dump trucks to back hoes gets into the act. It's charming in a town of a few hundred people, not so much in a city. I think a no-dump truck rule might be appropriate.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

8. Boat with Christmas Lights  - It's a little classier than the Christmas Dump truck and at least there is no orange checkerboard on this one, but really, it's still a boat with tinsel and lights. Is that all it takes?

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010

7. Smart Car with a bow - I love being ecologically sound. Really, I do. I drive a Prius. Smart cars are, well, smart. Love, love, love them:  Sick of checkerboards and a bow on the front of a car does not make it an entry in the Christmas parade.

Knoxville Christmas Parade, Gay Street, December 2010.

6. Flat Bed Truck with a few lights and a lot of advertising - We have a huge banner advertising an automotive center, a smaller banner advertising a baseball team, some disinterested people in street clothes and the mascot for the baseball team. Oh, and we have tiny Christmas lights. Now I get it - not.

This is just too much fun. You would think surely this entry could not be topped for unorthodox Christmas floats. You would be so wrong. This simply concludes the vehicle section. The next post will have the top five most inappropriate (non) Christmas floats in the Knoxville Parade.